LiTe BrItE wOrLd

I am very proud to say that I am number UNO in my physiology class!!!

*runs around like a chibi person* >_<

Yeah, I was very excited to see that, and that brightened my day! Hmm...let's see, not much going on today, just going to class, then work, then more papers, projects, and studying. Being in college sux. I've been so busy lately, I've barely had time to talk to my mom (who almost took my car away from me)

*sigh* and money is still tight. my next paycheck is going to my mother, and I have no idea if I'm going to need a second one (which I am currently looking for). Arrgh. I just need to stay on top of my shyt, because in one class I'm already failing, and my teacher for a couple of my classes is just a plain bitch. Anyways enough of my banter, I'm off!

^_^

I decided to write back in livejournal again...

Don't ask why, I dunno myself ^_^

Today has been a really nice day outside so far. I'm just not looking forward to spending the rest of the nite working Waaaaaah!

Let's see what else is going on? Okay if you read my "myspace" journals, you should have heard about my wild and crazy summer O_o But Jamie and I are back together. Yeah. I was a bad girl and I learned my lesson OK! Jamie is the man God sent to me and I'm not going to do anything stupid to let him go again...

Umm...I work at a Japanese steakhouse (go figure huh?) and I teach dance to little ones every thursday and i'm a full time student! *whew!* In my spare time now I'm just either hanging out with Jamie or studying *sigh*

But right now Jamie is out of town and I am sad :( He should be back either tomorrow or sunday So I'm really looking forward to that, and we're moving to another apartment in september so that will be cool too, It's closer to my job so that's kewl too. Ummm...nothing much else, just life.

The fall season is coming and I can't wait until Jamie and I go to the fair. I really want to make up for lost time for this summer. errr. Well, I have to write in the other journal too so I am off

Later fellow readers!

I'm writing here because myspace is broken...the irony because I'm broken too.

Some people I trusted I found out have been stabbing me in the back...saying horrible things about me, even thought they were boosting my confidence at the same time. Bastards. Especially her, the one who told me that I was the best dancer in the world, then filled my head up with ideas that I could actually be something. But you know what? I think I was a better dancer when nobody told me I was beautiful. I was happy the way I was...now thanks to them, I detest dance. I hate it. I thought I could love it again but it always ends up in a big dissapointment.

Wow...that sounded alot like my love life.

But right now I feel empty. Empty inside. I don't feel loved. I feel hollow. I can't stop crying. I can't focus therefore I'm going to fail this test in the next 15 minutes.

Dance was my life...the only thing I was good at...now I have nothing...

Well one thing...emptiness.

As of today I'm going to be talking though myspace.

Later Livejournal.

*yawn* I'm so tired.

I have 2 tests today, I think 2 tomorrow, and 2 papers to turn in. I hate college.
I'm just looking forward to the weekend. Actually, I'm looking forward to the end of the day because that means I get to eat. Yeah. I've been skipping meals because I've gained about 1000 pounds since I got to WSSU.

Sitll nothin much going on with me. I went to dance class yesterday for the first time in 100 years so I'm sore. Oh! I might have a dance partner! This guy I used to work with at ruby tuesday might be my partner! that will be fun! Now will Ms. Angie Let me perform any of my projects on stage? That's another question...*sigh*

Hmm what else? Still trying to find a job. I've applied to Whole Foods and I'm going to Apply to Sam's Club after I get out of class. If I'm desperate, I might apply to the Ruby tuesday in the mall. But I need a job like for real. Dillards hasn't called me back yet and it's pissin me off. They might have and my stupid phone didn't pick it up. *sigh*

Have you ever had a feeling that something is bothering you and you can't figure out what it is? I've decided to cut off a certain person from my life, but I just hope it won't affect anyone elses...if that makes any sense. Okay. It's time to attempt at this test I'm about to fail, then after that FOOD!
OUT.

I've been so mad at people that I totally forgot what my whole purpose of writing a journal was.

It's not to bash people and to curse them out....it's for me to explain my feelings and to tell people what is going on in my life. I am not a bad person. Sure, I've done some bad things amd sure I've had sex with losers that I shouldn't have, but that does not make me easy.

I know now, more than ever that I am with the man that I am going to marry. even if he doesn't please me totally sexually, he pleases me emotionally and would be there for me when no one else would. Talk about me behind my back. Go Ahead. It makes me stronger. Every wrong thing that any guy has done to me has made me stronger. I am so proud of myself to say, that I am only in love with my boyfriend Jamie Odell Brown. The others are only experiences that I wanted to forgive. I wont give myself to guys who will try to ruin me. For anything I've done wrong in the past, all people will have to do is forgive me. Don't hold grudges. It's not healthy. So to all of these guys: Corey, Mark, Matt, Brandon, Jakaiser, Phil, Rashad and John, I don't hate you, you are just the main guys who've given me hell. I'm actually happy that I've met all of you, because it's because of you that I've met the love of my life and you've made tought me how to pick out "bad boys". So now I can warn other people about guys like you. But you're not bad people. and You know what? Don't even change.

I actually can see clear now.
Anyways, I'm gonna try and study, and after that I'm going to hang out with my sister, then dance practice, then probably hang out with Jamie again. I'll probably be living with Dad next year, so I'm going to enjoy my summer while I can. Anyways, I'm Out.

That's all I have to say to you. and you know how you are.
How dare you make me pour out my heart to you, playing mind games with me, only just to use me as your occasional fuck. You're a heartless bastard and I regret feeling sorry for you even for one minute. I should have never believed the "love" bullshit you tried to spit out. Those aren't feelings for me. You just want to get in my pants...

You and your friends call me easy behind my back and then you try to get with my behind your "boy's" back. You have no heart. I was not easy, I was stupid for falling for your dumbass and your dumbass friend. Just so you know, your stupid little mind games won't work anymore! Oh, and if your're wondering, I'm not the only one who knows about your dirt. What goes around comes around and it's going to hit you in the ass really soon. And you push me away? Oh please? I'm trying to move on and have a happy relationship with the man I love. YOU however will not move on, and not only from me, but other girls you're with (and only lord knows how many thats is)
*sigh*

Enough of my ranting. You're not worth it. I'm out.

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

There is this guy that I've been talk to online for about a year now, and I finally get to meet him today.
He is just a friend, trust me. I don't need to have anymore guys in my love life right now. Besides I don't need to do anything else that will screw up my relationship with Jamie. Well today is friday. (thankGOD) and Jamie has to go to work. I might move out my stuff out of my dorm rooom later because there was a flood in the dorms and I don't want any of my stuff ruined!!!
HA! anyways, now I'm gonna watch one piece before class!
Laters
^_^

YEA! the #*$&#)*$^ semester is almost over!!!

Finally I can rejoice and breathe and try to find a summer job. I really wanna try to go to the beach again with Jamie because I can already feel the water splashin!!

Well anyways, sorry for not updating. Alot has been happening with my life and relationship, but now due to the events that have happened, I think me and Jamie's relationship will be stronger than ever ^_^

*sigh* still trying to find a job!!! the Dillards manager was gay and I don't think he liked me in the interview...but that's okay...I might try to get a job at a grocery store or somethin.

And I might be passing my classes this semester after all which will be very very nice ^_^.
Anyways, I have to take a test online now, then go with Jamie to get his car because the poor thing lost his keys o_O
Laters

Today is my sister April's birthday and Monica and I are going to take her out to an Irish pub o_O!!

I already know that i will have to drive home because they will probably drink and get drunk off their happy asses lol!! Anyways, school is almost over and can't wait. I'm also going to visit my mom this weekend for Easter and I hope that will be good. My dad is letting me borrow his car, so I'm going to visit Jennifer at Winthrop before I go home. Man. I haven't seen her in ages. I'm so glad I get to be around my "real" friends again....

Well anyways, must get ready for class so I can go home, wash clothes, and by April's birthday gift...which i haven't done yet...>_< Hahah! Welp, lemmie go!

I think that my relationship is in trouble.

Jamie hasn't been himself lately, and it's beginning to be harder and harder not to cheat on him...*sigh*

He's been really distant lately and it's really pissin me off!!! I don't know whether to leave him alone for a while and let him miss me, or just put up with it. Geeeez. Relationship can suck at times. Actually, this one is beginning to suck MOST of the time. I think that's what I'm going to do. I think, that he sees me too much therefore he doesn't miss me. HA! Yup, I'm going to spend more time in my dorm room (unfortunately) and not go to Jamie's house at all this week. I know it will be hard on my part, but there is a time where I have to draw the line...

Anyways, it's almost the end of the semester and my grades are going to suck. I need to find a job because being broke sucks ass. I think I might have one at Dillards...just have ot wait and see if they call me back...I hope so...

Anyways, feel like crap gtg

These Lyrics are dedicated to some people in my life...the ones I love and hate. Just felt like tellin' yall through song...enjoy. ~Nyao~

Memory ~ Sugarcult
"This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappeared.
Can I be your memory?"


Back To California ~ Sugarcult
"I’m miles away
Turning out your lights
Ten different ways I could end this night
Can’t do this anymore
Won’t feel you anymore

How long I’ll wait
Just to say goodbye, say goodbye

Leave it all the fights and all
Summer’s getting colder
Drive all night to hold you tight
Back to California
Days went by
We waited and I guess we’re getting older
We couldn’t win in the end

You’re gone..."


Addiction ~ Kanye West
"Why everything that's supposed to bad make me feel so good?
Everything they told me not to is exactly what I would
Man I tried to stop man I tried the best I could
But (You make me smile)"


BabyDoll ~ N.E.R.D
"You're my pop rocks
You're my cotton candy
When the beach is hot n sandy
You're my water
You're my morning shower
Sub-conscious melody
You're my LSD
Summer's perfect daughter..."


Come With Me ~ Puff Daddy
"Fuck my enemies
Fuck my foes
Damn these hoes
You're stepping on my toes
Back up off me
Take your hands off me
Give me room to breathe
I'm not hearing it
I'm not fearing it
I'm up to my ears in it
Bullshit I'm destructive
Some women find that seductive
Some say it's lunacy
Reluctantly I've been moving on
I ignore you
Sorry if I bore you
I neglect you
Don't mean to disrespect you
Can't you see
I love you dearly
And that sincerely
But you annoy me
You can't avoid me
I'm here to stay
Forever and ever and a day
That's never
I can't let you go
I can't forget it
Why you did it
I won't permit it
And won't acquit it
I want to fight you
I'll fucking bite you
Can't stand nobody like you
You can't run
You can't hide
No surprise
Close your eyes
Come With Me..."


Faint ~ Linkin Park
"I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident
Cause you don't understand I do what I can but sometimes I don't make
sense
I am what you never wanna say but I've never had a doubt
It's like no matter what I do I can't convince you for once just to hear
me out
So I let go watching you turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got..."


Lately ~ Stevie Wonder
"Lately I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
with your heart..."


What a Fool Believes ~ Doobie Brothers
"He came from somewhere back in her long ago
The sentimental fool don't see
Tryin' hard to recreate
What had yet to be created once in her life
She musters a smile
For his nostalgic tale
Never coming near what he wanted to say
Only to realize
It never really was

She had a place in his life
He never made her think twice
As he rises to her apology
Anybody else would surely know
He's watching her go

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
And nothing at all..."


Don't Stop Believing ~ Journey
"Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people..."
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

Unwritten ~ Natasha Beddingfield
"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten..."

Well Am I?

I've been telling myself that I can't. I don't deserve someone like Jamie...:( But he said that he's willing to work with me with my issues. I love him so much. I think that love wasn't made for me, but I think that Jamie can prove me wrong.

I also came to realize that tommorrow we will be together for 6 months. This makes me happy. That he's put up with my crazy ass for this long...I wanna do something special for him...I baked him a cake yesterday for being such a pushover and I think I might take him out to the movies.

*sigh* Love is crazy. Just like me.

Yesterday i was really famous...

My mom called, My best friend Jen called me, Jakaiser one of my Xes called me, and Courtney (but she just wanted to know a name of a song so i guess that doesn't count).
But anyways, I'm so glad when people call me out of the blue, it kinda makes me feel special. Especially hearing from Jen! I'm glad she has a cell phone now because now, I can chat with her about my crazy life because I think she is the only one who I can really vent to and vice versa...

But aside from that, I've been feeling weird about a few things lately.
Ok. I have a friend, we haven't been friends for long, but he asked me about some advice about a girl he likes...and I didn't know what to say because I think that the girl he likes is a slut. I also have a little bit of feelings for this guy...I know. There i go again. He and Jamie are really close so the fact that I have even a little bit of feelings for him is a no-no!

*sigh*
Oh well. It's not even a crush...i dunno.

Another things is with another person who i thought was my friend...i dunno. She is realy shady, and at times I think she is competing with me and I think it's pretty gay. I don't think I would even call her a friend. As a matter of fact, I don't think she was ever my friend to begin with. I just think she thought that since we had liked the same guys that we should be friends...whatever.

This is the same slut who my friend likes and I really REALLY don't want him to get with her because in all honesty, i think she's een more psycho than me and that's pretty damn crazy!

Ok. That's the end of my rant. I can't sleep because of the daylight savings and now my sleep patterns are all fucked up! haha! Anwyays nitey nite yall!

Woah.

Okay was super unusual!

So anyways, Kingdom Hearts 2 is more challenging that I thought it would be...so yah. I woke up playin it with Jamie and that put me in a kinda foul mood. Then I went to math class, boring as usual. THEN i went to the game room, apoligized so Jamie for being crabby, and then i watched the finals in the halo tournament and it was Jamie and Phil VS. John and Josh. Unfortuately, Jamie came in 2nd place but it's all good tho because i still made him feel like he's the best!

After that I played spades a little bit...and I must say that was unusual too! Not only did I play with a guy who looks exactly like my ex Mark, but someone who i thought hated me actually helped me out. We were cool at first, but when i started "talking" to someone in the game room, she just stopped all of a sudden...maybe she's cool after all...i dunno.

I thought my day couldn't get any weirder...then i get a call from...dun...dun...dun...BOBBY!
Bobby was my "first" and I was so excited to hear from him even though he's an asshole. He made it aware that he is a FATHER!!! I was like oh shit. But he's a very pretty man so I'm pretty sure he has a very pretty daughter...oh well.

*sigh* all in all it was a good day. Now i'm just waiting for my pizza, watchin anime, and enjoying my cute little i-pod. aaaaah. Isn't life grand?
Anyways, me must go and enjoy the fine animations of OnePiece ( the Japanese version of course!)

Laters!

THAN TODAY!!

OKAY! First I woke up really early and went with Jamie to buy Kingdom Hearts 2 the game....And oh is it the shit!!! Then I was like "hmmm...since I've been feeling like crap, I should buy myself something nice since I have a bit of money at the moment..." And I did just that! I got myself a nice little i-pod nano!! It's sooo cute. It's black and I'm going to buy a pink cover for it!! Ooooh so exciting!

And to top the day off ladies and gentlemen, I have NO CLASS!!! Yup! I have a whole day off!!! I'm still at school though because I have to attend a few seminars for extra credit, but no sweat! This is gonna be kewl!!!!! Well anyways, I'm gonna enjoy the rest of my day off. Ah! and I get to see the play CATS for the first time tomorrow!! YAAAAY!

Laters

I must say, that if it werent for Jamie and my sister April, i'd probably be dead right now. I was on the verge of killing myself because there is nothing I'm good at...

School...no good.
My Last job...no good.
Sex...errr...no good.

*sigh*

But anyways, I was reminded that I was put on this earth for a purpose...I don't know yet...but my sister kinda opened my eyes. It's complicated, because April and I don't get along often, but when she sees that I am hurt, she is the best one to talk to. I admire April for a lot of things. Unlike Monica and I, she's very strong willed and knows when to buckle down. She doesn't let random people who don't matter get to her and I always wish I was that way...

It was funny. Before I got off the phone with her, she told me she loved me....
And After that I cried like a baby in Jamie's arms...

It seems like, if you told you're loved by someone who deosn't notice you all of the time, it feels really good. So good in fact that it makes you want to live longer so you can spread love...
That's what I intend to do now. I'm going to try to get my ass out of college, gte a job, get married, have kids and find out what it means to love all over again...

Yeah.

I just quit my job at Ruby Tuesday and everyone is calling me a quitter saying I have no backbone and what not....I don't give a shit. I think, that if you are not happy, then you should not stay at a certain place....

I'm just emotional right now...I need to go.

I guess I haven't updated because I'm trying to be less bitchy about life...
But um...nothin much is going on but me still doing bad in my classes, and working much more. It was so awesome. I waited tables last night and I made about 70 bucks alone...and that was on a night that WASN'T busy!!

I thought that I would really HATE waitressing...but It's okay. It's good money. Now all I need to do is save up for a car and my own Apt and I'll be straight. *sigh*

I've been in real deep thought about alot of things lately...like is Jamie right guy for me, and will I die in child birth, and has fate in itself really been fair to me? Geez. I'm going to give myself grey hairs. I always get myself into messes I can't handle...

I think I just need a vacation since my spring break never happened and I just worked the whole time...
I can't wait till school lets out because I planned to go with my best friend to carowinds so that should be some fun eh? Okay enough rambling...

out.